Funny Jokes

Physics Teacher: Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?
Student: Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.

Two factory workers are talking.
Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.
Man: And how would you do that?
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: What are you doing?
Woman: I’m a light bulb.
Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you going?
The man says: I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.

A man is talking to God.
The man: God, how long is a million years?
God: To me, it’s about a minute.
The man: God, how much is a million dollars?
God: To me it’s a penny.
The man: God, may I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”

The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.” replied the boy.
“I’m the principal’s daughter.” said the girl.
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy.
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!” said the boy with a sign of relief.

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.

Teacher: Here is a math problem. If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half, what should he have?
Student: A heart attack.

Teacher: This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.
Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic.
Vincent: You don’t know my father.

Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Funny quotes

“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.”

Author Unknown

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

Emo Philips

“My life needs editing.”

Mort Sahl

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

Charles Wadsworth

“Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.”

Author Unknown

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

Albert Einstein

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.”

Will Rogers

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”

Lana Turner

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

Jack Handey

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

Steve Martin

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

Steven Wright

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”

Phyllis Diller

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”

Claude Pepper

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”

Winston Churchill

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”

Natalie Wood

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”

Bertrand Russell

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

W. C. Fields

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

Steven Wright

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”

Laurence J. Peter

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”

Oliver Herford

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

Robin Williams

“There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.”

Lewis Black

“My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: ‘What are you looking at?’”

Margaret Smith

“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”

William Lyon Phelps

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”

Johnny Carson

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”

Sam Levenson

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

Earl Wilson

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

Bob Hope

“The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”

George Jessel

“Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.”

Author Unknown

“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!”

Author Unknown

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Concentration Test :)

1st yr MBBS students were attending their 1st anatomy class.They all gathered around the table with real dead body.The professor started the class by telling them two important qualities as a doctor.The 1st is that never be disgusted about anything regarding the body e.g he inserted his finger in the body's ass & on drawing back,put the finger in his own mouth & tasted it.Then he told the students to do the same.The students hesitated for several minutes.But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's ass & tasted it.
When everyone finished the professor looked at them & said:The most important 2nd quality is Observation.

I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger. Now learn to pay attention..:P

Logic: World Without Women

This is the right way to eat a Tic Tac

For the Hobbit . Simple Humor

No need to stay in office anymore :)

5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.


Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.



After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"



The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.


Lesson 3:


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."


"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.


"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4:


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5:


A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6:


A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Ohhhh.... baby......Its so hard :P

You should give up before- Demotivational Humor

Funny short stories - Hilarious

The child and his mother:

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

Wrong email address:

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Will’s experience at the airport:

After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”

Clever kids:

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.

Do you know any short but very funny stories? Please share below

Best answer in college got A+

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were:

The short story should contain the following three things:

1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

- a website

R.I.P English

Damn! Her Mother Is Going To Give Her A Right Telling Off!

Marylin Vs Einsteiin

Please Caption this Image .......

How he is keeping this secret......

I swear I hate people who can’t eat specific food…

Spiderman After Marriage...

Not Bad.....