“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.”
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
“My life needs editing.”
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
“Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.”
“Men
marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with
the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.”
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
“Before
you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way
when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have
their shoes.”
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
“A
stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every
year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”
“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”
“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”
“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
“There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.”
“My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: ‘What are you looking at?’”
“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“The
human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are
born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”
“Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.”
“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!”
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